Don’t hate the player, hate the game: Narcissist MOTHER
Emotions R Us, DrBev points out narcissist mothers as one of the white elephants standing in the middle of the emotional room. What? Do not hate the player (child) hate the game(s) you as a mother are playing with your children. WHAT!!! Parents your behaviors are emotional abuse. Adult children of dysfunctional families often times cannot release the guilt they feel because they never knew there was a word to attach to their female care-givers behaviors. That word for your mothers’ behavior, ‘Narcissist’, one who never wants to hear, nor does she understand the word ‘No’ in any form.
When, Oprah saw the movie ‘Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire’ just before it debuted to raves at the Sundance Film Festival, where it went on to win the competition’s coveted Grand Jury Prize, as well as the Audience Award and the Special Jury Prize for Acting (for Mo’nique) … and she was utterly blown away, she said.
DrBev gives the narcissist mother award to Mo’nique with high-props to her acting skills for her performance of visually presenting emotionally what is referred to as the twin cruelties parentification and infantalisation. Which is where she (Mo’nique) attempts to get her daughter, Precious, to parent her, all the while attempting to make her daughter, Precious, dependent on her at the same time.
There are many movies aboutvictims of malignant narcissists who suffer for years without having a single other human being who understands. Remember ‘Mommy Dearest’, Betty Davis, it may be helpful just to see how prevalent these dysfunctional behaviors are and the various forms of emotional violence. Also, movies show how others have dealt with a narcissist parent and the consequences it has had in their lives.
One of Narcissistic mothers’ favorite tricks is invalidation, including a particularly nice/nasty and insidious form of invalidation called gaslighting, which is a subtle form of abuse that causes the victim (child/adult child) to question their own sense of reality. No matter what emotions or memories you bring up, they will (Mother/Father) dismiss them. They are emotional vampires, feeding off yours and others’ tragedies, and always dismiss or otherwise ruin your successes and celebrations. They master forms of abuse, such as forcing their children into the Golden Child or Scapegoat roles, by being a Bully.
Moreover, the emotional abused adult children are left with confused anxiety feelings and abandonment that carry-over into their intimate relationships and inner-psychological thought processes, perceptions and feelings of self-love and their personal Worth. The daughters are socially taught the behaviors are about others, such as wives, girl-friends, friends, but never their own mother. For sons it’s a double whammy, but that’s another blog all together.
To discover that what they went through, endured with their mother has a name, not only a name but two distinct categories. Wow!!! The two categories are Engulfing mothers who see no boundaries between themselves and their daughters, and Ignoring motherswho don’t necessarily even see their daughters, and don’t care. Both categories are enormously dysfunctional and emotionally damaging.
Add to this, many narcissistic mothers’ extreme vanity, and their sometimes bizarre attitude towards sexuality, and you have quite a combination.
DrBev encourages you to learn to recognize the hallmarks of unhealthy narcissism which are Shamelessness, Magical Thinking, Arrogance, Envy, Entitlement, Exploitation, Bad Boundaries — and to understand the roles that parenting and culture continue play in the name of mothers and female care-givers to keep them in their place. DrBev believes that knowledge and education about your emotions and how your emotional state relates to where you are in the here and now will take you to your next level of possibilities and third options of what you can do for you, now. Be kind to yourself in thoughts, words and actions.
Furthermore, given freely in this blog are informational links for further knowledge and self-exploration. As always I am here for you. DrBev will give a free consultation for those that request to discuss this topic further, by your commenting and sharing your views on this topic as it relates to you at the end of this blog and sign-in and join ‘In DrBev’s World’ to receive free updates.
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Very well written! This article reminds me of my father. The part about the “golden child or the scrapegoat role”. I was the “scapegoat”. This is a very powerful article and thanks for sharing.
This article opened my eyes to the subtle ways of how parents do harm to the child. Forced slave labor of children from parents who love/hate, controlling, “gas-lighting” parentification and narcissistic disorders leads the abused child to feel inadequate, not good enough or feelings of worthlessness. What a powerful article full of thought provoking content loaded with links, resources and help, thanks for writing about this condition. Now maybe some will finally have inner personal peace.
My mother was very over-protective/engulfing and also depended on me greatly since my father left home when i was young and she had an illness which required me to play the role of caretaker. As a result of those dynamics that were put into play as a child, today I walk an emotional tightrope between wanting to be e caretaker and also needing emotional distance so that I can “breathe.” I reach for two very different things. Very maddening dance I do. When people leave I get crazy when they get too too close, I get crazy. Can’t live in two places. Thanks for shedding light with your blog and vido post. I’m ready to look at this a bit closer now and do some inner work!
This blog was mind blowing. I have no idea how I survived my childhood. Now what?? My childhood is over, but my scars just won’t heal. Thx DrBev ur the best. If anyone can help me, it’s you????
My mother was a total bith after she left my dad all she cared about was men and even her own brother warned her bf bout how she was a whore at a wedding! So that will tell u a lot if a brother says that! Also this bf she had was allowed to boss us about and punish us unfairly for no good reason we wher good kids and if she had kept her old legs closed she would hav at least achknowledged she cus do better b4 gettin with thes losers she’s in her kid 40’s now and I don’t see her and don’t wish to let my kids ever meet her either she doesn’t even care eiher she won’t apologise for everything she has dun too long to mention here , and it shocks me how she cud be like that when she knows she’s not allowed to see her grandkids , if she had apologised along time ago I Duno I still doubt I wud accept it as she has made errors too many times proving she doesn’t care but she is defiantly not ever seeing em now even if she does apologise genuinely and lets face it ther is nothing’s genuine about a narcisstic person so that’s unlikely I hope she is left sittin in her shit in her old age and if my sisters stick by her I will cut em off too as I don’t want to stick by siblings hu wud mind her even after d danger she put us in time afer time , slut !!!!!!im going to get her back very hard one day but I reckon the best is to ignore and raise my beautiful little kids 🙂
Using your blog and links to help my DIL and son cope with toxic MIL. After reading, I am recognizing my own mother as a Narcissist. I was NOT the golden child! I am going to have to teach my DIL my- “I love you but…..” speech that I used to stop my mother! Thank you!
As soon as I watched the first 15 mins of the movie ‘Precious’ I had to turn it off. It was like watching me and my “mother”. I have gone almost 7 years no contact and I am only 33. A lucky escape, yes but everything you have written about all the feelings afterwards and I am talking about YEARS afterwards are still raw and pretty close to the surface. I have also no contact with all of her side of the family due to her spreading malicious stories about things I have said and done. “Gas lighting ? ” still hurts but my own family and my lovely, amazing, clever children are loved. Possibly her abuse made me a more aware and loving mother than she ever could be.